Talking to children about missing school
There are many reasons why a child might find it hard to go to school and end up missing out on education. It could be something happening at school itself, things at home, or in their wider world.
Making space for a child to talk
Whatever the reason, one of the most important ways to support a child is by making space for them to talk.
Listening without pressure helps you understand what’s really going on — and that understanding is the first step to finding a way forward, together.
Here are some gentle conversation starters, with ideas and tips to support open, child-led dialogue.
Who should start the conversation?
💬 “I know you’ve been finding it hard to go to school recently. Would it be okay to talk about it? Or is there someone else you’d feel more comfortable chatting to?”
Building trust is key. Some children may want to speak with someone they know well, while others might prefer to talk with someone outside their immediate circle, especially if school or home life is part of what’s causing distress.
This can be especially important for care experienced children, who might have multiple adults in their life. They should feel supported to speak with the adult they trust most, not just the one who’s most convenient or directly involved.
The role that the adult plays in relation to their attendance may also be important to consider. For example, a teacher or school staff member may have more understanding of the child’s experiences in the classroom, but they may also be perceived by the child as being in a position of authority, particularly in relation to a school matter like attendance. Similarly, a parent or carer who supports the child at home may know more about their morning routine, but the child may prefer to talk about frustrations at home with someone who is outside of that family unit.
🔑 Key point
When it comes to who a child speaks to, the most helpful adult might not be the most obvious one. Often it’s about who they trust, not who’s available or most convenient
When and where to talk
💬 “Would now be a good time to talk about how you’re feeling?”
Children need the right space and moment to share something personal. A quiet, calm, familiar place can help – as can avoiding interruptions or emotional overwhelm.
Try not to interrupt their favourite activity or lesson for a heavy conversation. And if emotions are running high, it’s okay to wait and check in later.
🔑 Key point
Timing matters. If someone feels pressured or caught off guard, they’re less likely to open up.
Focus on what’s going well
💬 “On good days, what helps you feel able to go to school?“
It’s easy to zero in on what’s going wrong, but it can be more helpful to explore what works. By focusing on strengths or ‘better days’, you might spot helpful routines, relationships or activities that can be built on.
Sometimes, a child might be more open when they’re reflecting on what feels okay, rather than what’s painful or difficult.
For example, if there are particular lessons that a child enjoys, could they first attend just for those lessons? Building positive experiences of school can help children to regain their confidence in going to school.
🔑 Key point
Looking at positive moments can reveal hidden strengths, helpful patterns, or the things that make school feel more manageable.
Talk about their whole day
💬 “What do you usually have for breakfast?”
💬 “Where do you like to hang out at breaktime?”
💬 “What game is everyone playing now? Is it still Fortnite?”
A child’s school experience includes so much more than just lessons. Think about their full day – from getting up in the morning to going to sleep – and how each part might be helping or hindering their ability to attend.
Use open questions and curiosity. Avoid jumping to solutions too soon. This is a chance to listen and understand, not to problem-solve straight away.
You might explore:
- Morning routines
- Getting to school
- Break and lunchtimes
- Particular subjects or teachers
- Friendships and social time
- Homework
- Afterschool activities
- Evenings and bedtimes.
🔑 Key point
The root of the issue might not be where you expect. Listen with an open mind and let the child guide you to what matters most to them.
What next?
💬 “What do you think would help?”
💬 “Would you like me to speak to someone?”
💬 “I think we might need to talk to school — who would you feel okay talking to?”
Children have the right to be involved in decisions about their support at school. Listening to their views about what might help, or who to speak to next, can help to create a support plan that the child feels comfortable with. It also shows that you want to involve them in their support and helps to maintain a trusting relationship between you.
Let them know if something needs to be shared, and be honest about why. For example, if a child mentions bullying, you might say:
💬 “To make sure this stops, someone at school needs to know. What do you think about us talking to your guidance teacher?”
Offering choices can also help a them to feel more in control of what is happening in their life. It shows that you value their opinions and trust that they know themselves and what might work for them.
Sometimes, it can be helpful to offer some specific options to choose from, based on your own understanding of what is possible. For example, if the child’s views need to be shared at an upcoming meeting, you could ask them if they’d like to attend the meeting themselves. Alternatively you could give them other options to, like writing down something to be shared, recording a voicenote or telling you (or someone else) what they think, so that you can share their views on their behalf.
🔑 Key point
Give children real choices, not just the illusion of control. Ask what feels okay, and offer options wherever you can.
Ending the conversation
💬 “Thanks for telling me that — I really appreciate you sharing it with me.”
💬 “Shall we catch up again on Wednesday?”
Difficult conversations take courage, especially for children. Make sure they know you value what they’ve shared, and that you’re still here for them. Let them know what will happen next, and when you’ll check in again.
🔑 Key point
Reassurance and follow-up are just as important as the conversation itself. Ending with kindness builds trust and shows your support is ongoing.
More about missing school
▶️ Watch our short Navigate video about Missing school + care experience
🔗 Visit our Why do care experienced children miss school? Navigate page
🔗 Check out our Talking about missing school conversation starters
